Santa Gives Reindeer the Night Off

29 Dec, 2009 Cool

Santa Gives Reindeer the Night Off

Posted on 29 December 2009

Santa’s reindeer only have to work one night a year, yet they can still let Santa down when he most needs them.

Department store Santa Adrian Reed, 53, a father of three from Estero, was due to visit a children’s home to offer gifts and cheer to children without families of their own when his transport broke down. As usual there wasn’t a cab to be found when you need one, but local limo driver Alan Marshall, 47, came to the rescue.

Having just dropped his client off at the store he saw the disappointed Santa by the road and asked him what was up. Upon hearing the woeful tale of a broken sleigh and the potential of children without their gifts, Alan immediately came to the rescue. He offered the use of his limo to transport Santa to his destination in style.

In an interview after the visit, store Santa Adrian said, “Alan just came over to chat and asked what was wrong. He helped me, and the children out and for that we are all extremely grateful. The Christmas spirit is still strong in some people, and I’m glad I found one when I needed them most. We arrived at the home in style, all the children were gathered outside and cheered when they saw my head out the limo window. It was a great gesture, one that made a real difference to some kids who really need a lift.”

By all accounts the children really did enjoy Santa’s visit, even if he didn’t bring his reindeer with him. A limo is a fitting mode of transport for this season’s most important person. He works all year ensuring all the world’s children are happy with their presents so should be able to sit back and let someone else drive him around.

Alan certainly thinks so. “I was just in the right place at the right time to help out Santa Claus. I couldn’t very well leave him standing there. There are people who count on him to get where he needs to go. I have a little boy of my own and I know he would be distraught if he was expecting to see Santa but he didn’t arrive. You can’t do that kind of thing to kids.”

The department store has now contracted Alan’s parent company, Naples Transportation to provide the same service to Santa for the next five years ensuring Santa always gets where he needs to go.

Santa’s reaction to the news? “Travelling by limo is better than a cab any day, and almost as good as my sleigh. The reindeer will appreciate the time off I’m sure.”

Christmas is over.

Hallelujah!!

Seriously, I don’t know about yours, but ours was full of wonderfulness and a few presents. Of course, I didn’t get what I asked Santa for (a blow up doll to sit in the front seat with the kids so I can run irritating errands like going to the post office, etc.), but I did come up with the greatest Santa trick ever.

Harrison got a relatively nice and ridiculously expensive gift (something we can do since Rex and June can still be shopped for at the Ross clearance toy section), a Nintendo DS. But if you ask me, he didn’t really deserve the best gift. The week or two before Christmas I saw an influx of fits and stomping, and I was tempted on more than one occasion to pop him one.

And so, after all the gifts were opened and he was feeling real good like, I said the following:

“Wow, Harrison, you got some great stuff. But it’s too bad you weren’t as good as you could have been. You should have heard what Santa was going to bring you.”

This got his attention.

“What do you mean?” his little 6-year-old self asked, “there was something better?”

I got all conspiratorial, looked both ways to make sure Santa wasn’t listening, and said, “If only you hadn’t thrown so many fits, he was gonna bring you a real motorcycle!” To which he gasped and choked and looked at his lump of DS with slight distain and disgust.

I have the feeling next year Santa will have a little more power.

And that, my friends, is brilliant parenting.

This year has been a bit disappointing for Santa believers. Fewer and fewer souls seem to be taking the Santa story seriously. Anti-santaists have been enticing young minds away from the Christmas magic that has been essential in the maintenance of a healthy society. They ridicule Santa as a myth, along with all the accompanying concepts that have given us warmth and comfort for all these years. They actually suggest that the notion of a Santa rewarding only “good” children is not necessary to rearing well-behaved children. They are constantly asking for evidence of our Santa, not understanding that there would be no magic if Santa was subject to scientific scrutiny.

If we are to save our Santa culture from this insidious secularism that makes mockery of our faith, we need to acknowledge our weaknesses, and adapt to the changing cultural climate. Here are a few suggestions.

Place Santa out of the reach of science.
Some point to what they consider the absurdity of a voluminous man descending a narrow chimney and other mysterious aspects of Santa. Here are a few ways to deal with this form of persecution.
- Announce that Santa’s magic is far above human understanding. Santa, in his infinite magic, can fatten flukes at will, create chimneys where there are none, and leave everything intact as if he had never descended from the roof at all. Ask the secularists how they even dare with their puny minds to question the magic of our Santa.
- Call problematic parts of the Santa story figurative. Suggest that the notion of “descending the chimney” is a metaphor of Santa’s intent. He actually may come through a window. What matters is that the presents are there in the morning. In doing this, never submit a standard for discerning between literal and figurative elements of the Santa story. That will make it convenient for you to choose which is which as aplogetics needs arise.
- Remind non-believers that, if the Santa story could be tested and confirmed, we couldn’t employ the faith that feeds the magic. Accuse them of not listening to the clear voice of Santa that each of us carries deep in our hearts if we only listen with open minds.
- Affirm the magic. Point out all the cases in which reindeer dung was found on roof tops. Suggest that any father who would simply throw dung on his roof in an attempt to create the illusion of a rangiferine landing would have to be either a lunatic or liar. The only sensible inference is that Santa’s sleigh had indeed visited your house.
- Belittle science and its tools. Point out that science is often wrong and is therefore not an appropriate method to assess the magic of Santa. Claim that statistics are a silly invention, and strongly affirm the idea that anything can be “proven” through statistics. The stronger you affirm this, the more true it will become. In this way, reports that suggest poorer (not misbehaving) children receive fewer presents can be dismissed. If secularists suggest this is not logical, claim that Santa logic is not the same as secular logic, but don’t bother explaining how.
- Suggest that science and magic fall into two non-overlapping domains. Declare that scientific methodology cannot assess the wonderment of magic. When asked about specific claims of Santaism that seem to fall within the reach of science, offer evasive permutations of the particular doctrine to make it impotent and thus unassailable. Fudging a bit on exegesis is forgivable if the net result is an increase in believers.
- Disparage the notion of belief based on “evidence”. This is becoming one of the most troubling issues that has already led to the apostasy of thousands. You’ll hear secularists claim that the degree of confidence in an idea should match the degree of the evidence. Where is the magic in that? Evidence only goes so far and is largely linear. How can belief be linear? Choose a side! Unless we go beyond the evidence with faith, we would be left saying “I don’t yet know” on many questions, a wholly unacceptable option.
Exercise the right to arbitrarily define true Santaism.
You’ll often hear accusations that Santanists do not behave any better than non-believers. Here you’ll want to point out the fallacy in this accusation by simply explaining that those who don’t act like Santanists are not real Santaists. This will prevent your opponent from citing anecdotes, and require him to lean on statistics that require a substantial sample that you can then simply dismiss as not representative of Santaism. If your opponent then demands positive evidence for superior behavior among Santaist, simply offer a few anecdotes as proof.
Appeal to what people already know in their hearts.
There are times when you may simply ignore the anti-santa arguments. Every person knows deep in his heart that Santa is real. Presuppositional affirmations are the way to go. This is economical in that it minimizes potential cognitive dissonance that may creep in through cracks in your counter-arguments, and eliminates the expenditure of contemplation that distracts from faith in Santa, and may even lead to doubting.
Emphasize emotions.
Fortunately, Christmas is replete with salient sensations that easily form a sense of identity, of belonging, and also address dozens of other emotional needs. We know through a feeling of certainty that emotions are a legitimate validator of what is true, so regardless of the apparent power of the secularist’s arguments, this emotional validation is what will vanquish the doubts that have destroyed the magic in so many young lives. And perhaps the greatest argument you can make is to ask weak believers if they would want to live in a world that had no magic. Ask them if they want to grow up to become merely scientists restricted by the parameters of materialism. Emphasize the rigor and critical thought required by those who have abandoned magic and have endeared themselves to rational thought. Above all, emphasize the personal relationship believers have with Santa. Have them make psychological investments by writing Santa letters for years, then remind them of this and of all other psychological investments at any point in which their faith is weak. Remind them that Santa’s apparent silence is simply a test of their faith or an indication that their requests are selfish. And always return to the assurance that emotions are a legitimate way to confirm the truth of their faith.

If we can only employ these noble tactics, Santa will not dissipate into a distant cultural memory as has the Easter Bunny. May Santa bless us all.

-phil

Last week I asked Santa if he could find it within himself to pull out a miracle and put the Jets in the playoffs. Little did I know that Santa is in fact real and that he is able to jump into bodies and take control. How else could you possibly explain sunday?

A few things weren't really jumping out on a limb over the weekend. It was no miracle that the Jaguars lost to the Patriots. The Jaguars really aren't good. It wasn't a miracle that the Texans beat the Dolphins. Both team shared an equal record and it's been evident all season that the Dolphin secondary was the weakest link. It wasn't a miracle that the Steelers beat the Ravens. The Steelers are the defending champs, they were playing at home, and the Ravens helped out with a flag or two… ok maybe Santa helped a little on the Derrick Mason drop. It wasn't a miracle that the Broncos lost to the Eagles. The Eagles might get a bye in the NFC playoffs.

The only thing that was bordering a miracle was the Jets winning in Indianapolis. Yes they were winning at one point in the second half with Peyton in the game but it did not take very long for Peyton to erase said lead. If Peyton stays in the game I have little doubt that the Jets lose and really why would you? The Jets have collapsed in the 4th quarter all year against weak and relatively inexperienced QBs, nevermind Peyton Manning.

But Santa (or Bill Polian) jumped into Jim Caldwell's body and told him now was the time to rest up for the playoffs. Now was the time to forget about making history and chasing the undefeated dream. Now was the time for the epic Curtis Painter debut. Now was the time to screw over the Denver Broncos and hand a little Christmas gift to the Jets. This coming Sunday night, I'm expecting you to jump into Marvin Lewis' body as well and convince him to sit Carson Palmer, OchoCinco and the rest of the starters.

So thanks again Santa. All of this so that I can enjoy a first round loss. You truly are the best.

Daniel Saltman